Cause and Infection
CAUSE.AND.INFECTION
So the reason I created this blog... A few therapists ago I was talking about wanting to find like minded people and maybe creating a blog to talk about my life and she was like why not do it. So I decided to go for it. I figured that no one would probably read this shit anyways. But now I put a link to it on my insta soooo..? I’m still scared of people actually knowing, but hey everyone struggles with mental health on some level. I have been attempting to work on a million things on myself, but I have found that is not helpful. So right now the biggest thing is accepting myself for who I am. Thats the first step right? Well shit, I guess that takes some figuring out about who dafuq I am. Okay! So! Self esteem, meaning how much you like yourself, is intrinsically connected to your identity, who you are. Well at least in one dudes theory. But, so, so, sooooo knowing who you are helps you like you more. And! Knowing who you are gives you more confidence to move around the world and live a happier life. Knowing in an accepting way sorta thing. Its fucking hard to do. I know lots of things about myself and I get grumpy cause its not who I want to be. I know accepting yourself doesn’t mean lay down and die cause you cant change. No. Accepting myself just means recognizing where I am so I can work on getting where I want to go. I also get frustrated that I’m not there yet. Fuck, I mean everyone gets those moments where they are like why can’t I just be there already?!? Part of the accepting who I am means being gentler and accepting everyone works at their own speeeeeed. And accepting my speeeeeeeed. Who am I? I am - a random dance partier - a person who uses all music to communicate and express my moods - a person who loves to mildly exasperate others with shenanigans or by being a little extra - someone who absolutely loves and cares about others well being - someone who likes to put together cute outfits - ethnically mixed, in a beautiful manner I might add - someone who has two college degrees - someone who has fears of wasting their time on this earth - someone who has to take their time to really process and comprehend the world around them - someone who loves food - someone who had advantages and privileged experiences - someone who struggles with anxiety and depression and trauma - someone who will work too hard and get burnt out aaand the list goes on and on If I have ever more than mildly exasperated you I want to let you know that was not my intention and I’m sorry. And it might have been a cry for help. I also know I'm not always so grounded and will act out in an attempt to flail my being in the direction of a branch to grab onto. I think I am more afraid of being hurt than being alone. That makes me kinda sad to think about. I felt pretty lonely growing up and I am grateful that I was able to be in a place that I could repair and maintain my relationships with my family and the friends I have now. I remember going to get Ethiopian food with a friend from high school and we were talking about what lead us to go to the middle schools we did. He said he went to his middle school because that was where all his friends went. It instantly popped into my head going to tour lots of middle schools with my mom and I whispered I didnt have any friends, and proceed to cry in the restaurant. Thank god we were the only two people in the place. It was Abyssina on Ball and Dale, check it out. It was better when it was Merhab, but owners change. Man, I hope its still there. There was also this one time I went to this rent by the hour jacuzzi room place on those cross streets. Aaaah ridiculous times. But I digress. LIFE! It’s a fuckin trip man. I am trying to convince myself I belong here and I know I worked hard, but dude. Damn. ..... DAMN! It feels good to be a gangsta. Aaaaah, sometimes I love myself. And sometimes I dont! I guess what I’m really trying to say is. It isnt easy being green, cause greens the color of the world. I have those kermit the frog vibes today. Life is a struggle and I love you all, even if I cant be there for every single one of you and I may not have the right perspective or tools to best help you. You are doing a dope ass job given what you have in this crazy world.
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Ugh3/29/2020 The year is 2020 and everything is going to hell. Or at least that is what I am told, but that seeeems fairly accurate given that we are all quarantined in our houses to try to avoid catching COVID-19.
So this is daily life now. Alright! So! Update. After I saw that last tall dark and handsome I found a new boy toy, and my romantic relationship with Patrick ended. Don’t fret though! Patrick is still my number one supporter and best friend. He just doesn’t lazer my ass for me anymore :’( Tall dark and handsome still randomly propositions me, but I am tired of being a cum dumpster so I generally ignore the props. The boy toy was this romeo and juilet whirl wind romance that ended in a slowish nose dive into the ground. I am dehumanizing him a bit because I am still very upset about what happened. This is not a justification of my actions but rather an explanation. I still care about him and hope he is doing well. BUT IF SOMEONE BREAKS UP WITH YOU DONT COME TO THEIR HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND TRY TO KIDNAP THEM AT KNIFEPOINT AND FORCE THEM TO BE IN A NONMONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU WHEN THEY SAID NO. I staid with him for a month after he did that try to sus out whether he was actually going to hurt me or not. That whole month was awful. Then I broke up with him while I was in another country cause I was afraid he’d do something dumb again. Then I tried being friends with him and he told everyone we were still together. Wtf? I told you to let me go before things got worse and we could try again in a few years, but instead of talking about it you threw a tantrum. My dearest love, how is that even helpful? It just pushes me away from you further. 👏🏼Open👏🏼Your 👏🏼Eyes You really think me or anybody else is going to want to be with you when your 5’11” 165lb ass is flailing and screaming and throwing things like a child?!? No. It makes me wana jump in my car and drive home and watch tv in pajamas and drink chamomile tea. Don’t get me wrong I love to mother people, but I have never liked a bratty child. They make me wana put the fear of god in them. Hm maybe that is what I should have done with him. I feel a little calmer now. But I know that it comes and it goes. I don’t want to physically hurt him in a nonsexual way so I thought it be best that I leave. My frustration with him forgetting important things, even though he said he could remember it if it was important, had reached my limit at Thanksgiving. Forgetting things and indecisiveness were big problems for me, and probably himself too. Not remembering little things, thats okay. Forgetting we had a date and trying to double book not okay, NEVER OKAY. If I am not important enough to you to have my time then fuck off, you clearly don’t appreciate me enough. Also, he was always worried about me not trusting him. Well dude, how da fuq am I supposed to trust you when you change your mind on what you want or what you wana do every ten seconds. People need to be consistent to be trusted. My friend you are not a consistent person and you don’t remember your last decision from ten seconds ago. So no I can’t trust you. With more consistency and improving memory then maybe we could have worked it out, but your concentration and memory was clearly affected by your anxiety and cycling thoughts about what you did wrong, how to fix things, and what could that person meant when they said/did those things. Baby boy, hakuna your beautiful tata. Everything is gunna be fine. But Imma be over here soooo... So there is this other thing. He also reminds me of my childhood friend. She is the only person I have been close to that I thought might actually try to murder me. Call paranoia or whatcha will. So once again another person who reminds me of one of the most traumatizing people that was in my life. Huzzah! And I was sleeping with this one! Ugh so I am going to have to do this every time where I compare how the two are similar. Alright: - throws things at me, check. - has tantrums, check. - tries(and succeeds) at manipulating me into doing what they want, check. - we eat mac n cheese together, check. - we act like drunk little gremlins together, check. - being dorks on adventures together, check. - threatens me, check. -vanity, check. -self focused, check. - queer, check. I think the list is bigger, but its strange I’m having difficulty coming up with things now. Maybe that is a good sign that I am letting go. So this list isnt all bad things or anything, its just how they remind me of one another. But I have a strong sense of fear attached to her and even being reminded of the good times still made me afraid. Its kinda funny cause he threatened me and did more terrible shit to me than she ever did, but I am still more afraid of her. Aah shit I’m thinking maybe its time to reconnect with her. Blurg, bury my fears and hatchet or something. I dunno. Dammit. Immersion therapy? End my fears of ENFPs and figure out how to truly coexist with them. I want to find a way to successfully approach people who rely heavily on manipulation tactics. I really want them to get what they want I just dont approve of their bullshit tactics. I love them and I want to care for them. I’m just not sure how to best go about that. Those little firecrackers. So bright and sparkly and fun, but also so burny. It take time to heal after getting burned. And dont fuck a firer cracker, there will be some internal damage after that one. Archives
April 2020
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