Cause and Infection
CAUSE.AND.INFECTION
Is it really living...?5/10/2019 Motivated by fear
Hiding behind fear Protecting myself out of fear Self centered Fear centered Missing out on experiences Need support.
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Working on Bettering Myself5/4/2019 I don’t want to be afraid of a person because they have similar personality traits to someone who hurt me in the past. I would like to be more positive and less afraid. I want to disentangle what is making me afraid to lessen the association between people and fear.
My classmate seems like genuine and caring person. I think the fact that we are colleagues shows her concern for others. I thought it was cute and relatable when she invited people to go to a museum with her and offered to pay for the entry fee because she wanted to share the experience. When I apologized to her about the David Bowie incident she accepted it warmly and seemed to appreciate it. I think her openness about herself could be like a way of reaching out and connecting to others that I am not used to. She asked me to cut her bangs and I had to get super close to her face with scissors. I think that shows a lot of trust in me. In Japanese culture cutting someones hair and grooming is a very intimate act. I know I am trying to be more positive, but I can’t help but lament that I was unable to reciprocate the trust I was given. I hold my feelings of grief about my rigid boundaries due to past experiences that I have not fully processed. I want to honor my feelings of grief about holding onto pain and how it has held me back in life and relationships. She is a beautiful person and I have held myself back from sharing interactions with her. I have held myself back from sharing interactions with many behind my reinforced steal barricade. I know it wont be dismantled over night. I think it would be more healthy to have a slow and deliberate process to taking down the barricade. I hope that I could be friends with her and my other colleagues. It’s funny, I am reminded of the first class we had together when I said I have bounary issues and she seemed alarmed and asked about what I meant. My answer at the time was less than articulate, and I think my words are better in writing... In the past I had very weak boundaries that were cast too far. I would do things for others because I wanted to be their friend and wanted them to like me and reciprocate the kind of acts. I would bake, cook, meet them in the middle of the night if they were upset or needed help, buy them things, make clothes, etc. I was sad when they didn’t and I think I set an expectation that I would do anything for my friends. I had difficulty saying no. I crossed over into others boundaries and mistook them for my own. My boundaries were so wide and open that I let myself get hurt and told myself that I knew it would happen so I deserved it. When I was full up on pain the walls went up and I shut myself up. So from too wide and too open for my own health it turned on its head and they became too confining and too protective. These are my boundaries issues. I want to be cautious of being at extremes. I want to come to know others in a healthier way. As I navigate my journey of fences I hope I meet others in a more healthy way. And if you ever see this Lia, thank you for talking to me, our interactions have been powerful experiences. Archives
April 2020
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