Cause and Infection
CAUSE.AND.INFECTION
April 2nd4/2/2019 Dear Lia,
Today is April 2nd. The day of my childhood friend’s birthday. The one that you remind me of. I didn’t tell you when I told you that you reminded me of my childhood friend that our friendship ended badly. Honestly it didn’t start too well either. Our mothers knew each other when they took baby care classes for our sisters that are seven years older. We were practically raised together. My mother would talk to her mother about how I was “broken” because of my learning disability. I think my friend’s mother always felt bad for me and would compare me to her own daughter I think to show me or my mom that I wasn’t broken. In all honesty I think that made my childhood friend resent me. To have her grades and achievements compared to someone who was supposed to be mentally deficient. We weren’t the best of friends when we were little. It wasn’t till the end of middle school/ beginning of high school when we got closer. We did have our small falling outs here and there. Like the time I stopped by the house to visit and her mom said she was out with her boyfriend and I said oh so she told you. I know high school was pretty rough on my friend and I wanted to be a good friend, but even then her mother still talked up the things I did. I think she was angry at me when ever her mother praised me and I felt like I was walking on egg shells a lot. We had good times too, of watching silly shows and ate mac n cheese. But then eventually I suggested she go out with my best friend. Things seemed okay for a while. Then when he said he felt upset about a picture she posted she told him he was being controlling. Things weren’t healthy and she threatened to break up with him many times. They broke up and got back together a few times. She wanted to go out places, drink, and have fun when he was out and not with her. I wasn’t in a good place myself. She told me I was allowed to spend my money to hangout with her even when I told her I couldn’t afford to go out with her. I felt like part of it was that in the process I had also ostracized all my other friends so I got triangulated into this. One night we went out with her one other male friend because she was mad at her boyfriend. We were drinking and talking and her male friend asked me a question. She stopped talking for the rest of the night. She didnt talk to me for another three months. Her and her boyfriend were the only friends I had at the time. I was going crazy. Everyone had vanished and I didn’t know what happened. Eventually I talked to the boyfriend and he told me to just talk to her. After a few tries she answered and we started hanging out again. We were making her Wednesday Adams halloween costume when her and her boyfriend had a very brief phone conversation and they broke up. And she told me she was okay with it because she was driving herself crazy wondering what he was doing. One night she texted me and asked me to keep tabs on him for her. I told her that I did not feel comfortable doing that. She told me that he was her life for the last three years and if I wasnt willing to do that for her then we shouldn’t be friends. So I agreed we shouldn’t be friends and I blocked her. It felt like she treated me like property and it hurt. When you first talked about your picking an apple from the tree drawing I had a flashback to her. When you talked about liking Cats and musicals I saw her. When you told me about your night dress poofing up over the vent, her. When you told me I was pretty, her. When you make comments about things being about you, her. When you talked about being queer, her. When you aksed me to cut your bangs, her. I have some mighty transference about you reminding me of her. I try to separate the two, but it is difficult. I feel fear of upsetting her, of being in that kind of relationship again. On one level I know you are different but on others I am afraid. Deepest regret, Alé Today in general made me feel like a squashed toad. I feel sad and embarrassed about being chastised for showing emotion in my ethics presentation and asked if I am in therapy. I also think competition shows people that certain experiences and traits are more valuable of others and continues the sentiments that fuel colonialism, imperialism, and capitalism. I think everyone is trying their best in their circumstances and have to address different values based on their life situations. I think that people of color and low ses are not given the same ability to compete with the values of set institutions in a western Euro-based society. I feel inadequate much of the time and it feels that in competitions that my feelings of inadequacy are validated. I am a squished toad. I have squished toad feels.
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