Cause and Infection
CAUSE.AND.INFECTION
I am still aliiiiiiive! Not for lack of trying! Haha just kidding. After graduating I started having difficulty putting off things I had pushed to the back of my mind for processing. All that more recent trauma stuff n stuffy stuff. Sexual assaults, abandonment, self esteem stuff. Ya know, the usu’. Now my anonymous readers might be wondering. Ale, why are you speaking and writing this way is it because have you regressed? Why yes anonymous it is. I dunno why trauma does that. I mean I should, it’s probably part of my job to understand or find out.
I started seeing this guy. The regression escalated after we had sex. I really like him, but he is emotionally unavailable because he is still in love with his ex. I don’t think I can emotionally handle being enamored with a man who is emotionally unavailable anymore. It hurts too much. I’m worried I will fall in love with him and he wont return my feelings. It already happened once with Greg. I don't want to be hurt so badly again. I’m working so hard to be patient, communicate better, and have better boundaries for myself. I find this guy to be so similar to me its causing me to have an existential crisis while I’m in this regression. I cant tell if what I do and say is because I think he would want to hear it for if this is actually me being me, but I think I would keep making stuff, listening to my music, and gardening even if he wasn’t around. Who am I even? Ugh. I wana be over everything already. I think I regressed to 16 or something. I think the reason for this regression is partially due to unprocessed trauma from around that age, but also the fact that I have graduated school for possibly(but unlikely) the last time. Even if I go back to get my doctorate it will be different because it will be more like peers researching than sitting in lectures all day. This was the last time I can really get to be a kid I guess. Now I work five days a week and have to pay bills and make judgement calls about whether I want to buy ice cream or new underwear with the little money I have left over after student loans and rent. I dont want to be a responsible adult. Id rather be a responsible kid and not have to worry about keeping a roof over my head with water and lights and gas in my car and keeping the auto registration up to date so I can go to work and want to help people so that I can continue to live in a society that is killing people in every way possible. Its a bummer. And a cute handsome man is what I want to help make things easier. I know, I know, I have Patrick, but also I kind of dont? I cant emotionally bond with him. Our partnership is truly just that, a partnership. We help each other and work as a team to survive this world, it is companionate love. I am looking for romantic love. Maybe I’m a dreamer but I am looking for someone to wake up to every morning and fall in love with. Where we are each our own person with our own lives, and also have a life and a world together. Someone I could cook for to show my love, not because I feel obligated. I would want to hardly ever feel obligated. I would do it because I love them and it is something we both want. I want to have kids so bad. I would want this person to be the father of my children. I want a happy little family. Full of love and compassion. I worry that society wont allow for dreams or romance to be a reality anymore. We all live and breath for the almighty dollar so we dont end up starving in a gutter. Which is totally a melodramatic overgeneralization, but hey. God I want to love and be loved and make our world just a little bit brighter. hug me till you drug me~
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