Cause and Infection
CAUSE.AND.INFECTION
I lost my soul~7/26/2018 There was this person I was head over heals for. The instant I saw him in 9th grade I was struck. I loved the way he walked, dressed, his long flowing hair, and the sad expression on his face. I felt I also wore that same sad expression often. I didn’t associate with him until about five years later. I was over joyed when some of my friends decided to help me get closer to him.
It was an interesting time in life. I was a rather colorful person then. We spent almost every day together from saint patricks day till almost June. I am not sure how sober he was. Sometimes he would pick me up in the middle of the night and be confused about why I was at his house the next morning. We talked and texted even when we weren’t hanging out. Even though we spent so much time together I was never sure if he liked me. Many times he would talk about his ex and others saying how much he loved them and missed them. Sometimes my best friend would join us hanging out and he would pull her into another room to talk. I was confused and it seemed harmless. My best friend was also best friends with his ex. My best friend would always tell me that the guy didn’t like me which confused me a lot. I already was unsure since he talked about other girls all the time and on the other hand he would kiss me and treat me nicely. I was really confused. One night my best friend decided she wanted to get me, him, and his ex together to hangout. I didn’t want to go. I felt like the guy knew how much I liked him and did not like me because he was still in love with his ex. Eventually after enduring much pleading I caved went to the hangout. The ex sat across from me and the guy next to me. He shivered and I asked if he was cold. He proceded to wrap a blanket around the both of us and nuzzled my arm. The ex was staring and it felt intense. I panicked and decided I had to leave. I felt so used and sad and scared and anxious. Why would he want to put me through that? I wanted to get away from him after that and started avoiding him. I still felt a strong sense of attachment and infatuation with him however. I began dating people and eventually one of them decided I was his girlfriend and I didn’t try to leave. So there we were. I was with someone else and he was in and out of my life for the next two years. My best friend recently mentioned something about kissing that guy. It made me wonder if that was how she knew he did not like me. It makes me think he was using us both to try to get to his ex. It hurts to think that. I do not think I will ever know the truth. I think it broke the curse of infatuation. I hope this feeling with help empower me.
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Brain This Day7/16/2018 I’m moving out. My therapist confirmed my belief. I can’t be effective at my job while I am being harmed at home. He also said that what I was experience was sexual battery, but I’m not so sure. It is probably a step up from sexual harrasment and it doesn’t quite seem to qualify as sexual battery. There have definitely been many mental repercussions from it.
A few years ago I was hanging out with my friends and I was particularly upset by something that happened at home. I told them it was weird so I didn’t want to tell them and they asked me to tell them anyways. I explained what happened and their response was “yeah, that is weird” and went back to the conversation before. That incident made me feel sad and alone. An authority on trauma work talked about how many individuals diagnosed with borderline personality disorder had a traumatic event occur in childhood. It is possible that symptoms from childhood trauma present themselves as borderline personality disorder in adults. It seems to me that personality disorders have many outside factors. While I was previously diagnosed with bipolar I often thought that I was actually borderline instead. Right now I do not have a diagnosis and am seemly a person who has experienced trauma. I’m hoping that moving will help improve my mental health. Archives
April 2020
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