Cause and Infection
CAUSE.AND.INFECTION
So the reason I created this blog... A few therapists ago I was talking about wanting to find like minded people and maybe creating a blog to talk about my life and she was like why not do it. So I decided to go for it. I figured that no one would probably read this shit anyways. But now I put a link to it on my insta soooo..? I’m still scared of people actually knowing, but hey everyone struggles with mental health on some level. I have been attempting to work on a million things on myself, but I have found that is not helpful. So right now the biggest thing is accepting myself for who I am. Thats the first step right? Well shit, I guess that takes some figuring out about who dafuq I am. Okay! So! Self esteem, meaning how much you like yourself, is intrinsically connected to your identity, who you are. Well at least in one dudes theory. But, so, so, sooooo knowing who you are helps you like you more. And! Knowing who you are gives you more confidence to move around the world and live a happier life. Knowing in an accepting way sorta thing. Its fucking hard to do. I know lots of things about myself and I get grumpy cause its not who I want to be. I know accepting yourself doesn’t mean lay down and die cause you cant change. No. Accepting myself just means recognizing where I am so I can work on getting where I want to go. I also get frustrated that I’m not there yet. Fuck, I mean everyone gets those moments where they are like why can’t I just be there already?!? Part of the accepting who I am means being gentler and accepting everyone works at their own speeeeeed. And accepting my speeeeeeeed. Who am I? I am - a random dance partier - a person who uses all music to communicate and express my moods - a person who loves to mildly exasperate others with shenanigans or by being a little extra - someone who absolutely loves and cares about others well being - someone who likes to put together cute outfits - ethnically mixed, in a beautiful manner I might add - someone who has two college degrees - someone who has fears of wasting their time on this earth - someone who has to take their time to really process and comprehend the world around them - someone who loves food - someone who had advantages and privileged experiences - someone who struggles with anxiety and depression and trauma - someone who will work too hard and get burnt out aaand the list goes on and on If I have ever more than mildly exasperated you I want to let you know that was not my intention and I’m sorry. And it might have been a cry for help. I also know I'm not always so grounded and will act out in an attempt to flail my being in the direction of a branch to grab onto. I think I am more afraid of being hurt than being alone. That makes me kinda sad to think about. I felt pretty lonely growing up and I am grateful that I was able to be in a place that I could repair and maintain my relationships with my family and the friends I have now. I remember going to get Ethiopian food with a friend from high school and we were talking about what lead us to go to the middle schools we did. He said he went to his middle school because that was where all his friends went. It instantly popped into my head going to tour lots of middle schools with my mom and I whispered I didnt have any friends, and proceed to cry in the restaurant. Thank god we were the only two people in the place. It was Abyssina on Ball and Dale, check it out. It was better when it was Merhab, but owners change. Man, I hope its still there. There was also this one time I went to this rent by the hour jacuzzi room place on those cross streets. Aaaah ridiculous times. But I digress. LIFE! It’s a fuckin trip man. I am trying to convince myself I belong here and I know I worked hard, but dude. Damn. ..... DAMN! It feels good to be a gangsta. Aaaaah, sometimes I love myself. And sometimes I dont! I guess what I’m really trying to say is. It isnt easy being green, cause greens the color of the world. I have those kermit the frog vibes today. Life is a struggle and I love you all, even if I cant be there for every single one of you and I may not have the right perspective or tools to best help you. You are doing a dope ass job given what you have in this crazy world.
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Ugh3/29/2020 The year is 2020 and everything is going to hell. Or at least that is what I am told, but that seeeems fairly accurate given that we are all quarantined in our houses to try to avoid catching COVID-19.
So this is daily life now. Alright! So! Update. After I saw that last tall dark and handsome I found a new boy toy, and my romantic relationship with Patrick ended. Don’t fret though! Patrick is still my number one supporter and best friend. He just doesn’t lazer my ass for me anymore :’( Tall dark and handsome still randomly propositions me, but I am tired of being a cum dumpster so I generally ignore the props. The boy toy was this romeo and juilet whirl wind romance that ended in a slowish nose dive into the ground. I am dehumanizing him a bit because I am still very upset about what happened. This is not a justification of my actions but rather an explanation. I still care about him and hope he is doing well. BUT IF SOMEONE BREAKS UP WITH YOU DONT COME TO THEIR HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND TRY TO KIDNAP THEM AT KNIFEPOINT AND FORCE THEM TO BE IN A NONMONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU WHEN THEY SAID NO. I staid with him for a month after he did that try to sus out whether he was actually going to hurt me or not. That whole month was awful. Then I broke up with him while I was in another country cause I was afraid he’d do something dumb again. Then I tried being friends with him and he told everyone we were still together. Wtf? I told you to let me go before things got worse and we could try again in a few years, but instead of talking about it you threw a tantrum. My dearest love, how is that even helpful? It just pushes me away from you further. 👏🏼Open👏🏼Your 👏🏼Eyes You really think me or anybody else is going to want to be with you when your 5’11” 165lb ass is flailing and screaming and throwing things like a child?!? No. It makes me wana jump in my car and drive home and watch tv in pajamas and drink chamomile tea. Don’t get me wrong I love to mother people, but I have never liked a bratty child. They make me wana put the fear of god in them. Hm maybe that is what I should have done with him. I feel a little calmer now. But I know that it comes and it goes. I don’t want to physically hurt him in a nonsexual way so I thought it be best that I leave. My frustration with him forgetting important things, even though he said he could remember it if it was important, had reached my limit at Thanksgiving. Forgetting things and indecisiveness were big problems for me, and probably himself too. Not remembering little things, thats okay. Forgetting we had a date and trying to double book not okay, NEVER OKAY. If I am not important enough to you to have my time then fuck off, you clearly don’t appreciate me enough. Also, he was always worried about me not trusting him. Well dude, how da fuq am I supposed to trust you when you change your mind on what you want or what you wana do every ten seconds. People need to be consistent to be trusted. My friend you are not a consistent person and you don’t remember your last decision from ten seconds ago. So no I can’t trust you. With more consistency and improving memory then maybe we could have worked it out, but your concentration and memory was clearly affected by your anxiety and cycling thoughts about what you did wrong, how to fix things, and what could that person meant when they said/did those things. Baby boy, hakuna your beautiful tata. Everything is gunna be fine. But Imma be over here soooo... So there is this other thing. He also reminds me of my childhood friend. She is the only person I have been close to that I thought might actually try to murder me. Call paranoia or whatcha will. So once again another person who reminds me of one of the most traumatizing people that was in my life. Huzzah! And I was sleeping with this one! Ugh so I am going to have to do this every time where I compare how the two are similar. Alright: - throws things at me, check. - has tantrums, check. - tries(and succeeds) at manipulating me into doing what they want, check. - we eat mac n cheese together, check. - we act like drunk little gremlins together, check. - being dorks on adventures together, check. - threatens me, check. -vanity, check. -self focused, check. - queer, check. I think the list is bigger, but its strange I’m having difficulty coming up with things now. Maybe that is a good sign that I am letting go. So this list isnt all bad things or anything, its just how they remind me of one another. But I have a strong sense of fear attached to her and even being reminded of the good times still made me afraid. Its kinda funny cause he threatened me and did more terrible shit to me than she ever did, but I am still more afraid of her. Aah shit I’m thinking maybe its time to reconnect with her. Blurg, bury my fears and hatchet or something. I dunno. Dammit. Immersion therapy? End my fears of ENFPs and figure out how to truly coexist with them. I want to find a way to successfully approach people who rely heavily on manipulation tactics. I really want them to get what they want I just dont approve of their bullshit tactics. I love them and I want to care for them. I’m just not sure how to best go about that. Those little firecrackers. So bright and sparkly and fun, but also so burny. It take time to heal after getting burned. And dont fuck a firer cracker, there will be some internal damage after that one. I am still aliiiiiiive! Not for lack of trying! Haha just kidding. After graduating I started having difficulty putting off things I had pushed to the back of my mind for processing. All that more recent trauma stuff n stuffy stuff. Sexual assaults, abandonment, self esteem stuff. Ya know, the usu’. Now my anonymous readers might be wondering. Ale, why are you speaking and writing this way is it because have you regressed? Why yes anonymous it is. I dunno why trauma does that. I mean I should, it’s probably part of my job to understand or find out.
I started seeing this guy. The regression escalated after we had sex. I really like him, but he is emotionally unavailable because he is still in love with his ex. I don’t think I can emotionally handle being enamored with a man who is emotionally unavailable anymore. It hurts too much. I’m worried I will fall in love with him and he wont return my feelings. It already happened once with Greg. I don't want to be hurt so badly again. I’m working so hard to be patient, communicate better, and have better boundaries for myself. I find this guy to be so similar to me its causing me to have an existential crisis while I’m in this regression. I cant tell if what I do and say is because I think he would want to hear it for if this is actually me being me, but I think I would keep making stuff, listening to my music, and gardening even if he wasn’t around. Who am I even? Ugh. I wana be over everything already. I think I regressed to 16 or something. I think the reason for this regression is partially due to unprocessed trauma from around that age, but also the fact that I have graduated school for possibly(but unlikely) the last time. Even if I go back to get my doctorate it will be different because it will be more like peers researching than sitting in lectures all day. This was the last time I can really get to be a kid I guess. Now I work five days a week and have to pay bills and make judgement calls about whether I want to buy ice cream or new underwear with the little money I have left over after student loans and rent. I dont want to be a responsible adult. Id rather be a responsible kid and not have to worry about keeping a roof over my head with water and lights and gas in my car and keeping the auto registration up to date so I can go to work and want to help people so that I can continue to live in a society that is killing people in every way possible. Its a bummer. And a cute handsome man is what I want to help make things easier. I know, I know, I have Patrick, but also I kind of dont? I cant emotionally bond with him. Our partnership is truly just that, a partnership. We help each other and work as a team to survive this world, it is companionate love. I am looking for romantic love. Maybe I’m a dreamer but I am looking for someone to wake up to every morning and fall in love with. Where we are each our own person with our own lives, and also have a life and a world together. Someone I could cook for to show my love, not because I feel obligated. I would want to hardly ever feel obligated. I would do it because I love them and it is something we both want. I want to have kids so bad. I would want this person to be the father of my children. I want a happy little family. Full of love and compassion. I worry that society wont allow for dreams or romance to be a reality anymore. We all live and breath for the almighty dollar so we dont end up starving in a gutter. Which is totally a melodramatic overgeneralization, but hey. God I want to love and be loved and make our world just a little bit brighter. hug me till you drug me~ Is it really living...?5/10/2019 Motivated by fear
Hiding behind fear Protecting myself out of fear Self centered Fear centered Missing out on experiences Need support. Working on Bettering Myself5/4/2019 I don’t want to be afraid of a person because they have similar personality traits to someone who hurt me in the past. I would like to be more positive and less afraid. I want to disentangle what is making me afraid to lessen the association between people and fear.
My classmate seems like genuine and caring person. I think the fact that we are colleagues shows her concern for others. I thought it was cute and relatable when she invited people to go to a museum with her and offered to pay for the entry fee because she wanted to share the experience. When I apologized to her about the David Bowie incident she accepted it warmly and seemed to appreciate it. I think her openness about herself could be like a way of reaching out and connecting to others that I am not used to. She asked me to cut her bangs and I had to get super close to her face with scissors. I think that shows a lot of trust in me. In Japanese culture cutting someones hair and grooming is a very intimate act. I know I am trying to be more positive, but I can’t help but lament that I was unable to reciprocate the trust I was given. I hold my feelings of grief about my rigid boundaries due to past experiences that I have not fully processed. I want to honor my feelings of grief about holding onto pain and how it has held me back in life and relationships. She is a beautiful person and I have held myself back from sharing interactions with her. I have held myself back from sharing interactions with many behind my reinforced steal barricade. I know it wont be dismantled over night. I think it would be more healthy to have a slow and deliberate process to taking down the barricade. I hope that I could be friends with her and my other colleagues. It’s funny, I am reminded of the first class we had together when I said I have bounary issues and she seemed alarmed and asked about what I meant. My answer at the time was less than articulate, and I think my words are better in writing... In the past I had very weak boundaries that were cast too far. I would do things for others because I wanted to be their friend and wanted them to like me and reciprocate the kind of acts. I would bake, cook, meet them in the middle of the night if they were upset or needed help, buy them things, make clothes, etc. I was sad when they didn’t and I think I set an expectation that I would do anything for my friends. I had difficulty saying no. I crossed over into others boundaries and mistook them for my own. My boundaries were so wide and open that I let myself get hurt and told myself that I knew it would happen so I deserved it. When I was full up on pain the walls went up and I shut myself up. So from too wide and too open for my own health it turned on its head and they became too confining and too protective. These are my boundaries issues. I want to be cautious of being at extremes. I want to come to know others in a healthier way. As I navigate my journey of fences I hope I meet others in a more healthy way. And if you ever see this Lia, thank you for talking to me, our interactions have been powerful experiences. April 2nd4/2/2019 Dear Lia,
Today is April 2nd. The day of my childhood friend’s birthday. The one that you remind me of. I didn’t tell you when I told you that you reminded me of my childhood friend that our friendship ended badly. Honestly it didn’t start too well either. Our mothers knew each other when they took baby care classes for our sisters that are seven years older. We were practically raised together. My mother would talk to her mother about how I was “broken” because of my learning disability. I think my friend’s mother always felt bad for me and would compare me to her own daughter I think to show me or my mom that I wasn’t broken. In all honesty I think that made my childhood friend resent me. To have her grades and achievements compared to someone who was supposed to be mentally deficient. We weren’t the best of friends when we were little. It wasn’t till the end of middle school/ beginning of high school when we got closer. We did have our small falling outs here and there. Like the time I stopped by the house to visit and her mom said she was out with her boyfriend and I said oh so she told you. I know high school was pretty rough on my friend and I wanted to be a good friend, but even then her mother still talked up the things I did. I think she was angry at me when ever her mother praised me and I felt like I was walking on egg shells a lot. We had good times too, of watching silly shows and ate mac n cheese. But then eventually I suggested she go out with my best friend. Things seemed okay for a while. Then when he said he felt upset about a picture she posted she told him he was being controlling. Things weren’t healthy and she threatened to break up with him many times. They broke up and got back together a few times. She wanted to go out places, drink, and have fun when he was out and not with her. I wasn’t in a good place myself. She told me I was allowed to spend my money to hangout with her even when I told her I couldn’t afford to go out with her. I felt like part of it was that in the process I had also ostracized all my other friends so I got triangulated into this. One night we went out with her one other male friend because she was mad at her boyfriend. We were drinking and talking and her male friend asked me a question. She stopped talking for the rest of the night. She didnt talk to me for another three months. Her and her boyfriend were the only friends I had at the time. I was going crazy. Everyone had vanished and I didn’t know what happened. Eventually I talked to the boyfriend and he told me to just talk to her. After a few tries she answered and we started hanging out again. We were making her Wednesday Adams halloween costume when her and her boyfriend had a very brief phone conversation and they broke up. And she told me she was okay with it because she was driving herself crazy wondering what he was doing. One night she texted me and asked me to keep tabs on him for her. I told her that I did not feel comfortable doing that. She told me that he was her life for the last three years and if I wasnt willing to do that for her then we shouldn’t be friends. So I agreed we shouldn’t be friends and I blocked her. It felt like she treated me like property and it hurt. When you first talked about your picking an apple from the tree drawing I had a flashback to her. When you talked about liking Cats and musicals I saw her. When you told me about your night dress poofing up over the vent, her. When you told me I was pretty, her. When you make comments about things being about you, her. When you talked about being queer, her. When you aksed me to cut your bangs, her. I have some mighty transference about you reminding me of her. I try to separate the two, but it is difficult. I feel fear of upsetting her, of being in that kind of relationship again. On one level I know you are different but on others I am afraid. Deepest regret, Alé Today in general made me feel like a squashed toad. I feel sad and embarrassed about being chastised for showing emotion in my ethics presentation and asked if I am in therapy. I also think competition shows people that certain experiences and traits are more valuable of others and continues the sentiments that fuel colonialism, imperialism, and capitalism. I think everyone is trying their best in their circumstances and have to address different values based on their life situations. I think that people of color and low ses are not given the same ability to compete with the values of set institutions in a western Euro-based society. I feel inadequate much of the time and it feels that in competitions that my feelings of inadequacy are validated. I am a squished toad. I have squished toad feels. I lost my soul~7/26/2018 There was this person I was head over heals for. The instant I saw him in 9th grade I was struck. I loved the way he walked, dressed, his long flowing hair, and the sad expression on his face. I felt I also wore that same sad expression often. I didn’t associate with him until about five years later. I was over joyed when some of my friends decided to help me get closer to him.
It was an interesting time in life. I was a rather colorful person then. We spent almost every day together from saint patricks day till almost June. I am not sure how sober he was. Sometimes he would pick me up in the middle of the night and be confused about why I was at his house the next morning. We talked and texted even when we weren’t hanging out. Even though we spent so much time together I was never sure if he liked me. Many times he would talk about his ex and others saying how much he loved them and missed them. Sometimes my best friend would join us hanging out and he would pull her into another room to talk. I was confused and it seemed harmless. My best friend was also best friends with his ex. My best friend would always tell me that the guy didn’t like me which confused me a lot. I already was unsure since he talked about other girls all the time and on the other hand he would kiss me and treat me nicely. I was really confused. One night my best friend decided she wanted to get me, him, and his ex together to hangout. I didn’t want to go. I felt like the guy knew how much I liked him and did not like me because he was still in love with his ex. Eventually after enduring much pleading I caved went to the hangout. The ex sat across from me and the guy next to me. He shivered and I asked if he was cold. He proceded to wrap a blanket around the both of us and nuzzled my arm. The ex was staring and it felt intense. I panicked and decided I had to leave. I felt so used and sad and scared and anxious. Why would he want to put me through that? I wanted to get away from him after that and started avoiding him. I still felt a strong sense of attachment and infatuation with him however. I began dating people and eventually one of them decided I was his girlfriend and I didn’t try to leave. So there we were. I was with someone else and he was in and out of my life for the next two years. My best friend recently mentioned something about kissing that guy. It made me wonder if that was how she knew he did not like me. It makes me think he was using us both to try to get to his ex. It hurts to think that. I do not think I will ever know the truth. I think it broke the curse of infatuation. I hope this feeling with help empower me. Brain This Day7/16/2018 I’m moving out. My therapist confirmed my belief. I can’t be effective at my job while I am being harmed at home. He also said that what I was experience was sexual battery, but I’m not so sure. It is probably a step up from sexual harrasment and it doesn’t quite seem to qualify as sexual battery. There have definitely been many mental repercussions from it.
A few years ago I was hanging out with my friends and I was particularly upset by something that happened at home. I told them it was weird so I didn’t want to tell them and they asked me to tell them anyways. I explained what happened and their response was “yeah, that is weird” and went back to the conversation before. That incident made me feel sad and alone. An authority on trauma work talked about how many individuals diagnosed with borderline personality disorder had a traumatic event occur in childhood. It is possible that symptoms from childhood trauma present themselves as borderline personality disorder in adults. It seems to me that personality disorders have many outside factors. While I was previously diagnosed with bipolar I often thought that I was actually borderline instead. Right now I do not have a diagnosis and am seemly a person who has experienced trauma. I’m hoping that moving will help improve my mental health. Mental Illness5/11/2018 Mental illness seems like a loaded topic. Many people have very different views. I have heard that there is much stigma around mental illness. Honestly so many people I know are diagnoised with something, or probably could be if they were tested, I wonder where the stigma lies any more.
I was recieving treatment for an undiagnosed learning disability in elementary school. It seems like it was akin to dsylexia. I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 11 and later Bipolar II at age 17. I have never believed if these were real or not due to their relatively mild nature. I am almost certain I have been dysthymic since I was 7-years-old. I became increasingly depressed in middle school to the point were I was constantly asking my friends to kill me in 8th grade. The turning point was when I was sent to the mental hospital at age 17. I was placed on a 5150. It was about a month before prom and I cracked. I went to Del Amo mental hospital, children’s ward. It terrified me. There were large African-American male staff whose job it was to keep order. Multiple times I day I saw them tackle and pin noncompliant, petite latina girls to the floor. They sounded scared and confused and screamed all the way down. Then the red haired nurse with the Eastern European accent “booty juiced” them. There limp tiny forms were placed in a small room with an observation window on the door. I hoped I would never end up in that situation. I got out. I went to prom. I graduated. A few months later my grandmother died. From 2010-2015 I spent my time on and off medication, bouncing from therapist to therapist. I would start medications that made me feel like a zombie and them quit after a month reporting they didn’t work for some reason or another. I went through three psychiatrists and over ten therapists. I was cursed at, threatened to be 5150’ed, and told what I was doing wrong. I have had difficulty finding someone I could really work with. In late 2012 I once again found myself on a 5150 and ended up at LB Community hospital in their adult psychiatric ward after a halfassed attempt, that was more despair than death wish. I finally decided to end my psychopharmic regimine in 2014. I mostly lost my manic symptoms and went back to being unipolarly depressed. I have become functionally stable and am striving to keep myself that way. Eventually I hope to be full functional and ever thriving. My experience partially motivated me to choose the career path I have. My struggles have been my own. I believe there are probably others out there who have faced similar struggles. I wish to help others, though it seems I may still need more help myself before I get to the point of being helpful. Archives
April 2020
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